I have a lot of issues. Anyone who has ever known me can tell you that. I am selfish and annoying, and I have a million quirks that I expect everyone around me to understand instantly. I make people jump through hoops, and not chew gum in front of me. I hate the sound of people breathing or eating on the phone, and I get annoyed when I have to wait outside someones house for them to come down. I have a lot of issues. I really do, and I always thought that I was normal and that everyone else was wrong and weird and that they should all just mold themselves to me. I go through relationships like water. Boyfriends, girlfriends, even certain family members, I can let go easily. If you get on my bad side then you will most likely remain there, even if you redeem yourself. You will always be there, it will never be good for you.
I used to be nice, and friendly, and fun to hang out with. People at school here call me a stuck up bitch. I go in and out, I barely give people the time of day. I walk away from conversations that are stupid and I talk down to people when I feel that they need to be talked down to.
I know that I’m wrong. I know that I used to be better. I reread my old posts and I wonder where that bubbly happy person went and when this new person came. Where did all this resentment come from. I know that I have issues. I know it. I also know that I don’t talk about my issues to anyone. I keep it all in and then I use it as a weapon to analyze people. There are no words to explain anything anymore.
I know that I love some people and I hate others. I know that I don’t open up. I know that I am a bitch. I know that I am ugly on the inside (and on the outside too…sometimes). I know that only my really good friends can handle me and I know that even they are tempted to leave sometimes. My roommate calls me out on my shit sometimes. Other times she doesn’t. I’m not too worried about her, she loves me. She is one of the few.
The point of this post is to make me better. I want to be me again. I really do. It is just painfully hard to be nice to people I don’t like or talk to someone I don’t really know. What is the point?. I am leaving in 2 years, why invest? come to think of it, I never invested back home either. I have a problem with investing. I am going to try to post more often, I definitely read everyone’s blogs. I am using those google reader things, they are very handy especially during breaks on campus. I miss everyone, and I especially miss it when I knew the bloggers. I don’t know anyone anymore. They are all these new bloggers who talk about love, as if it is as easy as bumping into someone at a cafe twice in a row. I’m not going to lie, I read them, and I enjoy them. That doesn’t mean I don’t think they are a bunch of crap, and badly written might I add (except for a select few).
I feel like I need to keep writing, to get all the toxins out. They have been building up. Even my cat is exhausted, he rarely snuggles anymore. Another reason I want to keep writing is because I have an EU midterm tomorrow and I would rather procrastinate then admit to the fact that I barely studied because I am just angry. I have been angry all semester. I have been angry for a really long time.
Maybe it’s a lack of faith..in everything.
